When two people see each other and one isn’t “sorry,” the other is invariably about to get the “Just be friends” talk. This, of course, is assuming we’re not dealing with desperate, clingy people who would rather ‘settle down’ than face having to meet someone else. And ‘nice guys’ everywhere universally fear the ‘JBF’, as inevitable as it ends up being most of the time when a woman’s femininity fails to ignite.
But there is a place even more terrible than the ‘JBF’ area. Terrible, but often completely ignored as a long shot by most men. After all, if you’re imprisoned there, you may not even realize it; in reality, you may be naive enough to believe that you are getting somewhere with the women you interact with. And this, my brothers, is what makes this particular place even more insidious.
Yes actually. If ‘JBF’ is a ‘zone’, then ‘Harmless’ is a ‘dungeon’.
You see, if you’re given the ‘JBF’ lecture, then there’s an automatic assumption that at one point you were at least given a chance romantically. If you’re ‘Harmless’, it’s generally understood, probably by EVERYONE, that you DON’T HAVE A CHANCE. Not a snowball’s luck in Yuma, AZ. The crazy part of this dynamic, though, is that ‘harmless’ guys can usually get away with impressive flirtation displays with dead beauties, and actually get friendly responses from those women. Other boys around him are amazed. “How can THAT guy get so much female attention?” Simple, big guy. He is HARMLESS. The other guys? If they were to flirt like that, they would risk being taken seriously, which is unfortunately too much of a risk for most men (see previous newsletter “Getting Beat By A Girl”).
So how does a man end up in the ‘harmless’ category?
1) too young
Once, a group of us were at a restaurant that was particularly known for hiring attractive waitresses. Someone’s eleven-year-old son started joking around with one of those waitresses in a particularly cheeky way. Before his embarrassed mom could discipline him for his ‘rudeness’, something strange had already started to happen. The waitress was ANSWERING the boy in the same way, culminating in a kiss on the cheek. Absurd! No, not really. It is HARMLESS… at least for several more years.
2) too old
Another time, in the IT world, I worked in an office that, again, was known for hiring attractive women. Once, during one of those impromptu ‘gatherings’ in the corridors, a very kind and fatherly British gentleman, months away from his retirement date, walked up and proclaimed, “I declare, I have NEVER seen such an EXCELLENT COLLECTION of EXTRAORDINARY beauties in an office”. At that point, two of the aforementioned women exclaimed, “Awww!” and kissed him on the cheek at the same time. A thirty-something guy in Armani in the group responded by blurting out, “Hey, what about Me?” Both women raised their eyebrows and one replied, “Him? He stops being jealous. He is harmless.”
3) Famously Happily Married
If someone is happily happy in their marriage relationship, and everyone knows it, there are certain (and sometimes rare) incidences where that person can get away with jokes and/or pranks that no one else could. This is usually seen when there is a particularly quick wit and a distinct lack of jealousy between the spouses involved. Some, naturally, can get away with saying things to MOTOS (Members of the Opposite Sex), particularly between friends or in the workplace, that others would never utter in a million years. But it’s okay. These people are HARMLESS.
4) Gay
When women OR men interact with MOTOS leading an alternative lifestyle, the flirtatious banter that can sometimes occur can confuse others. Now you know why. Harmless.
5) Physically neglected, to the extreme
If someone, particularly a man, is morbidly obese, sick, poorly groomed and/or extremely unattractive in some other way, then MOTOS considers them HARMLESS. Ironically, the more physically fit and sexually attractive a woman is, the more likely she is to playfully respond to that person’s flirtatious teasing, especially if she has an outgoing personality. Now you know why this happens. To a lesser degree, this dynamic can be seen in reverse (ie, the woman is ‘harmless’), but almost always when the woman’s personality makes her irresistibly fun to be around…harmlessly.
6) Weak personality, to the extreme
Very shy, socially withdrawn, and/or socially inexperienced guys often get special attention from certain beautiful women, especially the very sweet and outgoing ones. These women inherently understand that these guys probably don’t get female attention and so they smile and hug them because they are HARMLESS. After all, those socially paralyzed guys won’t be crazy enough to act on it or anything.
By now you will have guessed that the first four points above are not really negotiable, at least we assume not. Of course, children grow up, older men can play ‘game’ if they wish (the gentleman in the previous scenario was not in that frame of mind), married people are not always immune to cheating, and those who are homosexual can become bisexual. -curious. But generally speaking, those first four scenarios are safe havens for everyone involved.
They are points #5 and #6 that we can do something about. If you have strong reasons to believe that either of the last two situations applies to you, and you’re wondering how you can get female attention but NO DATES, now you know why. I know this is where a lot of guys live on a daily basis, but a surprising number don’t even realize it. Just last night, Emily and I pulled up to our local Sonic Drive-In after the Spurs game. There they were: two beautiful young women with their ‘harmless’ friends, who were unsuccessfully trying to believe they had a chance, much to the amusement of the ladies. So yeah… what we’re talking about here is very, very real.
While outlining what it takes for someone to be able (and should) get out of the “Dungeon harmlessly” is well beyond the scope of this short article, know for starters that it’s absolutely possible, and can be accomplished faster than most. of the boys. to think. My purpose today is specifically to shed light on the subject, which I have never read about anywhere else.
There is a key caveat in this conversation. Someone out there says, “Yeah, but she gave me the ‘JBF’ talk before we even dated…all I did was express interest. And that was the worst!” Okay, granted. But that wasn’t ‘JBF’ talk, at least as far as the working definition we use here is concerned. In such a case, you have been notified that she is supposed to remain INNOCUOUS… and please remain so so that she can peacefully forget that this ever happened. Call it ‘harmless talk in JBF clothes’.
What if you find out that MOTOS is completely disgusted with you and avoids you at all costs? Okay, you got me there. Yeah, well… that’s just ‘creepy’ and it’s really as bad as it gets, barring a formal restraining order. That is the worst ‘zone’ of all.