Every relationship goes through what is typically called the “Honeymoon Phase”: that moment early on when we become unbearable to those around us with all the cooing, the Velcro on the hips, feeding each other apple pie and the unbearable . Put an end to verbal effusions about how wonderful the other person is.
This is the part of the process where we try to get to know each other; during courtship the goal/intention is to gain affection. We are determined to convince the other person that you deserve their affection. So much so that we’re going to introduce you to the kind of person we THINK is the kind of person you want to be with, we’re going to introduce you to what we perceive to be our “better side,” which is what makes all the sitcoms on TV. there.
One of the key elements of being human is pleasure and fun. In the process of creating a “playful” environment that will entice this new partner to stay with them, one thing people will do is use that sense of playfulness to define their boundaries. We’ll tease each other as a way of showing things they value or devalue, so if one partner is doing something the other thinks is dumb or stupid, they’ll gently tease, playfully with the covert intent of saying “I think that’s stupid.” “. /silly.” Although it’s funny at the time, there’s a serious intent underscored. Have you ever heard of the idiom “Comedy is a fun way to be serious”?
The reason we do it as a joke is because we are still in the honeymoon stage. We have to do it in a way that still gives the other person a sense of pleasure; we have to continue to show that we are the person they want to be with. As the relationship continues, it becomes a pattern and continues back and forth as the two people do things to balance power, set boundaries, etc.
However, there is a tipping point where it becomes too trusting a communication style. While the intention was fun, as the relationship matures it begins to create feelings of resentment and shame. When more than half of the communication in the relationship becomes teasing/putting down, unconscious suffering will slowly accumulate and that accumulation of unconscious suffering will transform into abuse.
In the early stages it was jokes and games, such as correcting the other person (words, dress, how they do something), playful violence, those kinds of things can lead to an emotionally and physically abusive relationship. It happens comment by comment until it escalates to the point where even strangers can see it as abuse. Have you ever wondered why someone doesn’t leave an abusive relationship? This is why; it happens so slowly, building on feel-good honeymoon jokes that they never see it coming.
The concept is that you want to be aware of and pay attention to the behaviors of those you are in a relationship with; Be aware of their intent and how they make you feel. Negative behaviors that appear to be done with an overt positive intent may actually be negative. When it stops being fun and playful and your reaction becomes filled with feelings of shame and resentment, then you have moved into abuse territory.
This is when he gets help and/or starts to use his Verbal Self Defense. It’s up to you to stop the cycle.