The guy you’re dating tends to be a little less than punctual. The woman you’re dating isn’t the tidiest when it comes to her pocketbook or her apartment. And she annoys you. A lot. So what do you do about it? You do what you’ve done before: you end the relationship. But if he finds that he’s rejecting too many dating partners because of some “little things” he doesn’t like about them, I suggest he reconsider. Because what bothers you about them could actually be about you.
Sure, you say you have to be with someone who values punctuality as much as you do because you’ve put so much effort into it. And all those little batteries in your apartment? Well, you have developed an intricate system that prevents them from growing any more. So how could you be with someone who doesn’t have these same priorities?
The truth is, everyone has limitations that need to be dealt with. We manage our “inner slacker” by working hard to keep clutter at bay and sticking to our organizing strategies. We control our “inner curmudgeon” by not showing our irritation when confronted with inattentive waiters or careless drivers. So why make another person “rejectable” if he isn’t as aware of his own inner vagueness or inner grump as you are?
I think the problem is really about accepting and tolerating one’s own imperfections and limitations. That’s how it is. I say “self” because that’s what it’s really all about: not accepting your own sloppiness or inner curmudgeon to the extent that it’s okay for someone else to be messy or curmudgeon. Rejecting someone based on these little things is especially damaging when the man or woman you are dating happens to be a kind, considerate, generous, honest, and trustworthy person. And you turn him down because he gets impatient with a slow teller? Or end the relationship because you always lose your keys?
Angie had been dating Darren for about 4 months when she showed up to a date with extremely frayed pants. Her tolerance had reached a breaking point: her apartment was a constant mess and her scruffy appearance was no longer considered simply a “quirk” of her personality. Angie herself was meticulously groomed, and she prided herself on being neat and organized. Darren turned out to be a very generous, kind, loyal, and hard-working man who treated Angie like a queen, only he didn’t always look like a prince, and Angie freaked out. Angie complained to me, “My boyfriend is lazy! I don’t think appearances are my priority, but I always took it for granted that I would live in a nice house (to the best of my ability) with a nice house.” husband… I’m desperate!
I reminded Angie of Darren’s many enduring qualities, and she admitted that there was more to Darren than he appeared on the outside. She realized that her own interest in clothing had been cultivated over many years. So instead of giving up, she Angie sprang into action: she bought Darren new clothes, a few pieces at a time, and then gently suggested that he give away or throw away some of the old, tattered things. Although this was difficult, she got rid of some things and her wardrobe gradually improved. She would sometimes, without her realizing it, leave receipts in the bags, which when Darren found, she would leave a check to reimburse her.
Jack saw from the start that Emily was unfocused and scattered. She was a creative and successful artist, but very disorganized, both at work and in her personal life. Emily mixed up the dates on her calendar, frequently overdrawn at the bank, and let her car run on “empty” long before she filled it up. Jack, for his part, was addicted to his Blackberry, which he devoted to organizing and directing his life.
One night, Emily was going to meet Jack at a restaurant to entertain a customer. After waiting 45 minutes, she called to find out why she was late. She stammered that she had run into traffic, but that she would be there in 15 minutes. Another 45 minutes passed and Emily finally showed up. Jack was upset, angry and embarrassed, believing that he had, in fact, forgotten about the appointment until he called her on the phone. Secretly, he planned to tell her that the relationship was over after dinner, until she presented Jack’s client with two handmade frames, decorated with cut pieces of tile and ornate beads. Jack saw the wet glue on the gifts and concluded that Emily was so engrossed in the creative process that she had lost track of time. While he could appreciate the generous nature of the gifts, he still wasn’t confident that Emily would be able to meet her commitments to her relationship.
I reminded Jack that before Blackberry, his life was much less manageable. We recognize that he had to learn to pace himself when he was engrossed in a task, as he often stayed up all night to complete a project and ended up paying serious personal consequences. So while he could empathize with Emily’s deep concentration, he was still frustrated by her scatterbrained disorganization, especially since he worked so hard to overcome these tendencies in himself.
Jack decided to see if Emily would accept his help before breaking up with her. He told her how beautiful, creative, and talented she believed she was hers, but that some of her disorganized behavior affected him, and therefore her relationship, in negative ways. Emily admitted that she, too, was bothered by her constant turmoil in her life, but that she didn’t want to become a slave to a Blackberry (like he did). Determined that Emily’s primary need was to stay on top of her projects and appointments, they searched Craigslist together to find a part-time personal assistant. Emily could then focus on what she excelled at: being imaginative and creative, and building a relationship with Jack based on trust and reliability.
Angie and Jack were so upset by their dating partners’ limitations because they were limitations they were wrestling with themselves. Perhaps if they had truly conquered their needs to be neat and tidy (Angie) or organized (Jack), they could have transcended and tolerated the same limitations in their partners. Instead, they focused on only a small aspect of each other, so that the true and essential merits of who they were dating were ultimately downgraded.
Warning! Don’t let this happen to you! If something bothers you about your partner, before pointing fingers and blaming the other, first look at yourself. Because it could actually be about you.
© Copyright 2006 Janice D. Bennett, Ph.D.