This probably happens to a lot of men and women who are trying to get their ex back.
His ex tells him that he’s not ready to get back together yet, but suggests that the two of them keep in touch as friends and see where things go. So, you email or talk regularly and feel like you’re engaged in each other’s lives once again. You haven’t gotten back together, but the communication between the two of you is warm and friendly. They have even talked about being open and honest with each other, because they value each other’s friendship. But then one day you find out that your ex lied to you.
Your ex told you that he was going out with some friends but, nevertheless, he had a date. Are you alive. Why would your ex lie to you? Why didn’t he or she just tell you the truth? Do you keep quiet and pretend that nothing bothers you? Should you ignore it since it’s really none of your business who your ex is dating? Should you confront him about his lies?
Now most people would tell you “just get rid of the liar”. If lying (or cheating) was a major problem in the relationship, I would also say “lose the loser”.
But if not, there are many reasons why your ex might not want to tell you that they went on a date with someone else.
1. The most obvious is that your ex didn’t want to hurt your feelings because he really cares about you. It’s not a very good excuse to lie, but it’s understandable.
2. If there’s a history of jealousy, needy behavior, or any kind of emotional outburst, your ex was likely afraid that talking about your date with someone else would create an emotionally charged situation, and he or she wasn’t. ready for a scream, tears of tantrums.
3. Your ex thinks it’s none of your business. You haven’t gotten back together, so going on a date with someone else isn’t like he or she is cheating on you.
But if they hope to get back together, shouldn’t something they both want be honest and open?
I think so! I also think that you should talk to your ex about what you know but without completely ruining your chances of getting back together.
Whatever you do, don’t accuse your ex of lying by omission. Accusing someone of lying, especially if he or she doesn’t believe he or she did something wrong, is like running into a wall very fast—headfirst! For all you know, unless you’ve seen your ex with someone else on a date, your source may not even be accurate.
My advice is to go for the cooperative solution-oriented prospective approach. Using an open, direct, non-adversarial, non-adversarial, and non-coercive approach radically reduces the harmful consequences of the traditional adversarial retrospective approach.
It would sound something like this: “You know how much I care about you and I value your friendship. We’ve had our ups and downs, but look at us, we’re still friends. However, last weekend you told me you were hanging out with your friends, but I found out you had a date. I fully understand that we didn’t get back together, but for my own good, I need to know that I can trust others by trusting myself.If you had a date, would you tell me?
People are generally more comfortable speaking freely when you ask for help rather than accusing them; and when you are focused on the solution rather than the problem. And most people who are approached this way will probably face it and admit that they actually did date and tell you why they felt the need to lie about it.
Listen without interrupting, then after your ex has finished drinking, follow up with a cooperative, solution-oriented response: “I understand. I’ve made mistakes in the past, and some of those mistakes may have made you feel like you couldn’t tell me.” you were going out on a date. I am working on myself and knowing that you can be open and honest with me about things like this will give me a chance to practice being more confident in my own judgment and that of others. As my friend, you may need your help from time to time.
This approach may at first seem like you’re acting “weak,” but a forward-thinking, forward-thinking, cooperative approach that doesn’t compromise your values (openness, honesty, and trust) has enormous advantages.
First of all, you are being totally honest; second, you are not threatening or confrontational; thirdly, you are telling your ex that you want him/her not to lie to you again; Fourth, you’re telling your ex that you want him or her to know that you’re working on yourself and becoming a “new you” different from the person you broke up with; and fifth, you get your ex to agree to something that you can work together as a team.
Cooperative teamwork is essential to getting your ex back because it is the glue that holds two people together.
This is just one example of solution-oriented cooperative things you can say. What is important is that you frame your questions and cooperative solution-oriented sentences in a way that suits your personality, while keeping it direct and assertive. If your ex is feeling fear in the form of passive aggression, he will fight back and force you to back off, and you will end up feeling mean, insecure, and angry.
Remember to always end with a cooperative search question. Your goal is not to “win” but to come to an agreement that you both can keep and move things forward.
But it’s not just about the approach, the most important thing is the state you’re in, mentally and emotionally and of course the groundwork you’ve done up to this point. It helps a lot if you are working on yourself because in this process you have to manage your emotions and prevent them from taking control of the situation. This is what makes the difference between a constructive dialogue and a fight.