There are more than 10 million people in the United States whose spouse or partner has died. The death of a loved one is one of life’s most stressful events, and the grief can be overwhelming. It’s hard to deal with this kind of loss, but here are some ideas that can help.
practical issues
In the first days after the death of your loved one, you will be busy notifying your friends and dealing with the details of a death. Many people will call or stop by to express their sympathy. Most likely, he is in shock and it is easier for him to think about the details than to think about the past or the future.
In the first weeks after death, it is important to take care of financial matters. Notify banks, insurance companies and pension funds. Check for a will, stock certificates, and any other important documents. Contact Social Security to apply for widow’s benefits and request details about Medicare eligibility.
If your spouse was a veteran, there may be some benefits, so contact the Veterans Administration. Inform all creditors, including credit card issuers, that your spouse is deceased. Some of your loans or perhaps your home can be paid off if there is insurance. Be sure to ask for enough death certificates. Most financial matters will require at least a copy, if not an original death certificate.
Make the decisions that need to be made, but put off important decisions until a later date.
deal with emotions
Your first reaction to the death of a spouse will likely be shock, numbness, and a sense of disbelief. Over time, the numbness will be replaced by pain, sometimes physical pain. It can feel like his heart has been literally ripped out of his body.
Your home and all the places you usually go seem to be full of painful memories. You keep looking for your lost partner wherever you go, hoping that he or she will come around the corner and tell you that it was just a dream.
A couple of weeks after the funeral, people tend to stop calling, relatives go home, leaving you in an empty house with an empty bed. Sadness, fear, forgetfulness, indecision, anger, and guilt are common reactions to loss.
For part or most of your life you have been a “wife” or “husband.” When you no longer have this role, you can feel lost. Somehow, you must create a new identity, a new purpose for life, new goals, a new sense of “normal.” There are many other losses as well.
Your partner may have been the main earner, the housekeeper, the auto mechanic, the cook, or the grocer. The thought of all that you have to deal with can be frightening and overwhelming.
Anger is a normal response when your life partner dies, especially if they died in an accident or an act of violence. You may feel bitter and hostile. It is important to allow others to comfort and support you.
Feeling guilty about the death of a spouse is very common. Your partner may have had a long period of illness and suffering. You can think of things you could have done differently or better. Being human means that we don’t always do everything perfectly, especially when we are under stress.
It’s important to remember that you did the best you could and not feel guilty about things you had no control over. Illnesses and accidents are things that we cannot control.
Feeling lost, angry, and guilty often makes us irrational and sometimes irritable. Other reactions you may experience include:
that help
Remember that there is no deadline for your complaint. You will heal at your own pace and in your own time. Here are some ideas to help you cope:
Eat a healthy diet whether you feel like it or not. Get some kind of regular exercise every day, like walking. Get out of the house several times a week. Run around, go out to dinner, and find ways to spend time with other people.
Give yourself permission to laugh, sing, joke, and cheer others up. It does not mean that you are not suffering “enough” or that you have forgotten about your spouse. You won’t forget.
Get back to work as soon as possible. Stay busy. It helps to have things to do.
See your health care provider for a checkup, especially if you have headaches, chest pain, or digestive problems.
Pay attention while driving or operating machinery. You can also be distracted and more prone to accidents.
Count your blessings, not your problems. Instead of saying “I miss him so much,” say “He taught me how to have fun” or “She brought so much beauty into the world.”
Do not make important decisions in your life for a few months. Resist the urge to sell your house, quit your job, move to another city, move in with your family, give away large sums of money, or walk away from your old lifestyle.
Make tentative decisions, for example, take a vacation before deciding on a permanent move. You cannot make decisions just to help ease the pain of grief. Tort will follow you wherever you go. Moving will not change how you feel.
It may help to join a grievance support program like AARP’s Widow Service. Call 1-800-424-3410 or visit the website at http://www.aarp.org/families/grief_loss
Most cities have complaint support groups that are open to the public. Look for hospices in the yellow pages.
You can also contact churches or hospitals, as they often have support groups.
Some people feel overwhelmed by their grievance and feel that they cannot cope with their loss. They may be drinking more, using drugs, or even feeling suicidal. If you feel this way, you may want to see a therapist who specializes in complaint counseling. Getting help is often the first step to feeling better.