Knowing what not to say can be just as important as finding the right words to comfort a loved one when they are grieving. Many of the following sayings may appear on the surface to be the “correct” thing to say; after all, you’ve probably heard them said at a funeral. However, for a grieving person, these common “words of support” encourage them to deny their true emotions and can be hurtful.
Here are some sayings to try to avoid:
1. I’ll be there for you…but not really in response.
Call me if you need to talk! (but the person is always too busy to talk to you).
When you feel extremely vulnerable, you want to be able to count on friends and family to be there for you. One of the most common stories I’ve heard from those who are grieving is that friends and even family often avoid them when they need them most. Try to do your best to return phone calls and come by and listen. It may seem difficult at times, but it can be truly healing for a friend in need.
2. The Look on the Bright Side Answer
Your loss is nothing compared to what I heard on the news the other day, you should be thankful. You’re young; you can always have another child. Don’t worry, you can always remarry. Don’t be sad, they are in a better place now. Your mother lived a long life; You shouldn’t be upset that she passed away.
The complaint is unique to each individual. The fact that someone else’s life may be more dramatic doesn’t make your friend’s pain any less important to that person. Allow your loved one to freely share their personal story.
3. The response too negative
You must feel so lost. Things are really going to be horrible for you for a while. Poor thing, life will never be the same again. You must have a dark cloud over you. How do you think your loved one would feel if they saw you like this? If you were more religious these things would not be happening to you.
Someone who is grieving is already feeling overwhelmed and sad. These negative comments have a way of making someone feel even worse. If you’re really trying to sympathize with her feelings, try asking her how she’s feeling and letting her express what’s going on.
4. The Just Get Over It Response
You are better now? Your loved one passed away so long ago, why are you still upset? Crying and being depressed will not bring your loved one back. Oh, it’s just an animal, you can get another one.
Grief is not an illness or psychological condition that you can take a pill for and be cured of. You don’t “just get over it.” When you have experienced a loss, you learn day by day to live your life without your loved one but the loss is not erased from your memory. Allow your friend to heal at their own pace.
Wow, so is there anything you can say?
Most people don’t consciously say things that are hurtful. Either they’ve heard them said a hundred times, so they don’t understand how they can affect someone, or they’re so nervous about saying the “right” thing that the words are uncomfortable.
One of the most important things to remember when trying to comfort a grieving friend is not to diminish their feelings. The complaint is normal. You may feel uncomfortable watching someone go through the deep emotional pain that can occur when someone is grieving, that’s normal too. If you want to be a supportive friend, allow the person to feel the full range of emotions you feel, both the celebration of the person’s life and the deep feelings of loss and loneliness. By allowing grief to progress naturally, you will help your friend achieve a sense of balance in their life.
The best thing you can do is keep it simple and sincere. I’m not sure what to say… why not start by asking yourself this simple question… What would you want someone to tell you if you lost a loved one?
Remember… Hug them, love them, introduce yourself and listen. You will do more for your friend by showing up and listening than any words can say.