As I work with clients on a daily basis, I am often amazed at how scary it is to show emotion. Granted, some people go the other way and completely lose control of their emotions. Yet many others are completely out of touch with how they feel. You can tell a person is in this situation because when you ask the typical therapist question, “And how that make you feel?” there will be a long pause. Uhhh….ummmmm…really the idea of adding emotion to an event is almost impossible for them.
This process can be very frustrating when a person’s spouse tends to be very in tune with their emotions. They know exactly how they feel at all times. When a question about how your partner is feeling elicits a blank stare, there can be a complete breakdown in communication. My common response to help an upset partner understand what is going on inside their loved one’s heart is, “When he/she tells you that she doesn’t know how you feel, she is telling the truth. She really is.” I dont know how do you feel.”
Typically, a person who gets stuffed will respond to any situation that calls for emotion in one of two ways. They will give you the only emotion our culture allows us to display: anger. However, anger is not the true emotion they feel. It is only the emotion that we are allowed to express openly. Anger is really about pain, unfulfilled expectations, or another kind of pain. If a stuffer doesn’t show his anger openly expressed, he will just push the anger inward and do what he does so well…stuff!
The problem is that the padding doesn’t stop the excitement. Stuffed emotions are not buried. In truth, embalmed emotions multiply. They become stronger and more powerful. Suppressing emotions long-term will eventually cause your body to break down. You can only carry so much emotion inside. Very soon, your internal systems will begin to respond to the heavy load you are forcing them to carry.
If you are a stuffer, know that this information will come to you through divine providence. It’s time to step back and start finding new ways to identify and process your emotions. Emotions don’t have to scare you when you learn better ways to get in touch with them. Emotions are like the light on the dashboard of the car. They serve the purpose of letting you know that “something under the hood” needs to be checked. You can remove the fuse so the light doesn’t come on, but that doesn’t stop interior damage that could occur if you drive down the road ignoring the warning sign.