I am concerned and affected by all the correspondence I receive from the wives. But, from a marriage-saving standpoint, some of the emails that concern me the most are those that indicate that the husband has become indifferent or apathetic toward the wife or toward the marriage. People often assume that extreme anger, frustration, jealousy, or even hate are the most troubling emotions. But, in my experience and observation, this is not the case.
When I hear that spouses have very strong reactions to each other (even if these reactions are very negative and lead to fights or conflicts), I have found that this is more of a positive sign than indifference or apathy. Because even when there are negative emotions involved, at least you know that marriage still generates strong emotions and reactions. If the spouses didn’t care or weren’t involved yet, you wouldn’t see the anger, fear, or jealousy.
In my experience, indifference is an indication that a spouse has withdrawn almost completely or withdrawn from the marriage. This often means that they are no longer listening, participating, or participating in response to the relationship. And, in my experience, this can mean that your marriage is in big trouble and you need to immediately start some steps to rehabilitate it before the apathy deepens and it’s too late. In the following article, I’ll share some of the advice I gave the wife on what I think are the best ways to deal with an indifferent husband.
Ask yourself if you are indifferent too: From time to time, I have husbands who also visit my blog or contact me. Many of them share with me their view of their troubled marriages. And many of them tell me that their wives no longer see them as a priority like before. They tell me that his job, children, and his extended family and friends seem to rank much higher than he does. So often in their minds you are also indifferent. In response, they will withdraw. Her reasoning for this is something like “well, she doesn’t care and she’s trying hard, so why should I?”
I am not saying that these perceptions are correct or even fair. But I wanted to bring this up because I want you to know that your husband may sense that you have become apathetic as well, and the attitude you are getting from him now is a direct result of this.
Also, the culture in marriage can get stale and is based on neither spouse rocking the boat or investing as much. Since no one wants to be the only one doing all the work and making all the investments (as this can feel very vulnerable), both people can fall into the very easy trap of just moving on. Sometimes in this scenario, both spouses perceive that the other does not care, when in reality they are both acting in accordance with the culture of the marriage and as a result of incorrect assumptions that can be easily changed. In fact, sometimes both people worry a lot, but they don’t want to be the only ones doing it.
You can’t control their indifference, but you can control your own behaviors. Sometimes you have to demonstrate a new way of interacting: You cannot force or make your husband feel or respond in a way that he is not willing to embrace. You cannot control another person’s actions unless he is a willing participant in it. Trying to do it often will only result in resentment. However, you have full control over yourself. And you can change the culture of marriage from your side. You can definitely control your own actions as well. Sometimes you have to be the one to take the initiative. It can help demonstrate the kind of behavior that you yourself want. This does not mean that you should scold, accuse, or take advantage of negative emotions.
But, it can mean that you give your husband more than you yourself want and hope that he will eventually realize it. Often when he sees that you are very interested in him and willing to put more attention and effort into the relationship, he will respond in kind (especially if you are getting a positive reward from his actions). or respond positively to things that make them feel good and confident. Always remember this and act with this concept in mind. If you can show him that you’re on his side and that you want the same things that he wants, it can make a world of difference.
If your nonchalance doesn’t change despite your best efforts, consider getting help: Sometimes a wife will do everything right. She will get involved and demonstrate the changes and efforts that she herself wants to see without the desired results. No matter what she does or how much effort she puts into it, the husband remains apathetic and indifferent.
In these cases, it can sometimes help to be proactive as an individual outside of marriage. Wives will often hear this and say something like, “But this is a marital issue. Why am I the only one who has to deal with this?” The answer I often have to give is “because you’re the only one willing to do it right now and someone has to take action.”
I say this because it is very important not to ignore indifference. In my opinion, it can really mean that the person has withdrawn from your relationship and therefore the next step is probably not a good one. Unfortunately, that same person is sometimes resistant to seeking help. However, this does not mean that you cannot or should not be proactive. He can educate himself and can seek help as an individual. It is true that you cannot change or help your husband when he does not want it. But sometimes, if you can make the appropriate changes, you will eventually see gradual changes from him that you can build on until he decides to re-involve and fully commit.