When I listen to a certain lullaby, it transports me to an exact moment in time. The range of the phone. It was late at night and I was holding our precious newborn son. I rocked constantly hoping the soft music would lull him to sleep. I was excited and excited when the phone call confirmed that my dear friend was in labor. We had to do it just a few days apart, but I had chosen to be induced and she was much braver and she had waited for nature to take its course. Just that morning she had called her and she was scrubbing the kitchen floor. She was practical and calm. I was scared and worried. She was a nurse and her husband was her doctor. They were an amazing couple who seemed to take life in stride.
I waited all night wondering how things were going and couldn’t wait to see the sun so I could justify calling to check on them. But a frantic phone call came in before the sun had a chance to break the day. The messenger said that something was wrong with the precious child that my friend had given birth to just a few hours before. His son had something desperately wrong and was being airlifted to the nearest big city in our state.
It was shortly after we all found out that their new son was born with a major heart defect. As long as he was attached to his mommy, he was fine. But once the umbilical cord was cut, he had no chance to breathe on his own. Our friends held his child and watched him slowly die in his arms.
The funeral was paralyzing. Here I held my new and healthy son. They had an open casket and there lay a beautiful new life, which seemed perfect and full. But without a heart he couldn’t be a part of this world. They couldn’t do anything except let themselves know that this had to be part of God’s plan. But my heart ached for my friends. I want to offer sympathy. I wanted to help in some way.
The following days were important. There were lessons learned through all.
- Remember that the pain will never go away. It will subside but it will always hurt. It is more important to listen than to say something. Be present when they need to talk. They will learn to walk through this season, but it may take a lifetime.
- You cannot go through this difficult time for your friend or family member. You can come along with them. Only they can decide the best way to travel this treacherous path. Allow them to respond differently than you think they would. Your emotions may surprise you and each parent may respond differently.
- Commemorative gifts throughout this season aren’t just important, they’re crucial.
- It is important to recognize the grandparents and siblings of the lost baby. Memorial gifts for them are also important. They are often lost in the memory of those who suffer.
- Meals during the same season can go a long way and provide a sense of stability if there are other children in your home.
- A sympathy/remembrance gift personalized with the baby’s name can go a long way. It will be an item they will cherish and keep. A stuffed animal or baby blanket with the child’s name lets the person know that you want their memory to be respected.
- Walk away. Offer to take the friend to a place in nature that can provide a place to pray, think, or rest away from home.
- Having new baby items and an empty nursery to come home to is crushing. Ask the spouse if you can gather 3 or 4 items from the room and put them in a keepsake box.
- Gather a group of people from the workplace, neighborhood, church, or family and create a living basket of sympathy. Gather things that are alive or offer inspiration. There are great websites with sympathy basket gift ideas. You can scroll through the many different ideas or choose one that they have made. This is also a great idea if you live far away but want to offer your sympathy.
- A children’s book about loss can be a great tool for both children and parents. As you carry your children through the steps of grief, they too will heal. There are lists and lists of books at your local library or bookstore.
- As time goes on, offer to help the married couple escape. Send them off for a night or two and take care of their other children if they have any.
- Ultimately, the best memorial gift you can give is yourself. Keep asking how they are. It can be through a card, email, phone call or the presence of your mother.