It is not uncommon for tension, compromise, and confusion to rule when the parenting role is shared between a stepparent and a biological parent. Some people still feel that stepparents aren’t “real” parents, but our culture doesn’t have norms that suggest how they are different. And the less defined our roles are, the unhappier we are as parents and stepparents.
Another role ambiguity is that society seems to expect acquired parents and children to love each other instantly in the same way that biological parents and their children do. In reality, however, this is often not the case. A stepfather may feel tremendous guilt over his lack of positive feelings (or even the presence of negative feelings) toward his spouse’s children. Discipline can be a constant source of family conflict: for example, you might think your ex-spouse isn’t being strict enough, when in fact, most stepparents think the real parent isn’t being strict enough.
As a step-dad, you may feel like an impartial observer with a grudge because you are an outsider and what makes you “impartial” is something that bothers you, biology. Stepchildren, moreover, often do not react to their parents’ new spouse as if he or she were the “real” parent. The irony of expecting “real” instant love between parents and children is further complicated by the fact that stepparents are generally not expected to be “equals” in disciplining or controlling their stepchildren.
Another reason for a difficult relationship between stepfather and son could be that your son does not want this marriage to work and therefore acts hostile. Children commonly harbor fantasies that their birth parents will be reunited. If the children had reservations about your divorce or strongly disapproved of it, they may sabotage your new relationships in the hope that they will get back together. Children who want their biological parents to remarry may feel that sabotaging the new relationship will get them back together. Stepchildren can be hostile adversaries, and this is especially true for teenagers.
Although all stepchildren and stepparents are uncomfortable to some degree with some aspect of their new family role, certain difficulties are more likely to affect stepmothers, and others are more common to stepfathers. The conflicting expectations of the role of a stepmother make it especially difficult. As a stepfather, her best chance for happiness is to ignore the myths and negative images and work to stay optimistic.
As a stepmother, yes, your job is cut out for you. In fact, some doctors find the role of stepmother more difficult than that of stepfather. One important reason is that step-mother families, more than step-father families, may be born out of difficult custody battles and/or have a history of particularly troubled family relationships.
Society also seems to expect, on the one hand, romantic, almost mythical, love relationships between stepmothers and children and, at the same time, to portray stepmothers as cruel, vain, selfish, competitive, and even abusive (Snow White, Cinderella, and Hansel and Gretel are just some bedtime stories we are all familiar with). Stepmothers are also often accused of giving preferential treatment to their own children. As a result, a stepmother must be much better than okay before she is considered acceptable. No matter how skillful and patient you are, all your actions are suspicious. Is it any wonder that step-moms tend to be more stressed, anxious and depressed than other mothers and also more stressed than step-fathers?
Some researchers have found that stepmothers behave more negatively toward stepchildren than do stepfathers, and children from stepmother families seem to behave less well. In fact, the relationship between stepmother and stepdaughter is often the most difficult. However, other studies indicate that stepmothers can have a positive impact on stepchildren. Since stepmothers are much more likely to play an active role in children’s lives than stepfathers, perhaps there is something else that could go wrong.
Still, some stepmom situations can make this role especially tricky, such as a part-time or weekend stepmom if you’re married to a noncustodial parent who sees your children regularly. She may try with all her heart to establish a loving relationship with her husband’s children, only to be openly rejected, or she may feel excluded from a part of her life because of her relationship with her husband. children of her In addition, a part-time stepmother may feel left out by her husband’s relationship with her ex-wife; For example, noncustodial parents need to spend time communicating with their ex-spouses about their children’s school problems, orthodontics, illnesses, and even home maintenance and repairs.
However, well managed by teams of comforting and knowledgeable adults (not just couples), this modern take on an ancient form of family can provide the warmth, comfort, inspiration, support, security, and often (not always) ), the love that adults and children yearn for.