I haven’t given much thought to swing lately, such as experienced non-monogamous sex within a married couple. We all hear the odd joke about swingers or say something jokingly like “Oh, we didn’t know you liked to swing!” Honestly when I hear the word, the first thing I think of is a playground, hence my surprise to receive an invitation to join a swingers club through me. Meet up membership!
You may have heard of the internet networking site, Meet up. As you can imagine, like other cities, the New York metropolitan area has a fairly large number of participants looking to find like-minded people who share common interests. I first came across Meetup.com when moving to suburban New York with a new baby. I was looking to meet new moms, so I got on the mailing list for new parent meeting groups. I initially joined two groups of moms, but now I ignore or remove most of the ads. Fortunately, the title of the newest group caught my eye as I flipped through my emails, finally giving me the full entertainment value that a Meet up account possibly can provide! Lo and behold, in my inbox there was a suggestion that I join “A New Meetup Group That Matches Your Interests”, married but not dead. I laughed. As I read the group’s description, the laughter quickly accelerated to a total laugh: “This group is for married men and women, 40 and over who find themselves wanting to escape the married world for a while and go out and about. have fun and socialize with people other than your husband or wife. We will have happy hours, dinners and possibly weekend getaways. This is not intended for couples, but for individuals. A photo is required, no exceptions. I will try to have a proportion uniform from men to women. Everyone will be screened to make sure they can be discreet and honest about who they are and why they joined. We greatly appreciate your feedback. Ideas on meeting locations and times are certainly welcome! ! “Holy Cannoli, I certainly did not think that my housewife Meet up my profile would qualify me as a candidate for Married but not Dead, but I guess the program Desperate housewives it had to be inspired by some real life women, right? My only complaint about getting this invitation is that I’m not actually 40 yet. I know, I know … in their thirties people tend to snuggle, but I’d still like to hold onto a little boyish freshness and innocence! Weekend getaways? Discretion test? All I can say is: Wow!
Some people speak of marriage as some kind of death, and I suppose it is, in a way. To get married we must die to ourselves. We can’t, or at least aren’t supposed to hang out with coworkers, cruise ship bars for weekend sex, or chat with the dentist. I once had a friend who wanted to take her dentist out for an appointment. If you ever get married, that opportunity will be lost forever! We mourn the death of ourselves at bachelor and bachelorette parties. Personally, I think guys do better in that regard as most women are too uncomfortable with the idea of male strippers and frankly female strippers are much hotter than guys.
A little cursory research on the subject of swing results in this hilarious comment from Wikipedia“Swinging has been called wife swapping in the past, but this term has been criticized as androcentric and incorrectly describes the full range of sexual activities that swingers can engage in.” Swinging apparently has a formally documented history dating back to the 16th century, and certainly an equally strong history dating back to the beginning of marriage … it just wasn’t that easy to transmit and preserve pre-Renaissance documents! Of course, the ancient Romans had their share of fun orgies. What must it have been like to be a wealthy Roman? Maybe these new Meet up Participants are looking to find out! If you find humor in this like I do, read the Wikipedia article on balancing. It is impressively comprehensive. I haven’t been called a prude in quite a few years, but some of the swinger lingo was pretty foreign to me until today. Cheating is a familiar term, but I’ve never heard of “soft swap,” “chase,” or “hot wife.” Is it a girl of me to find these funny terms?
It seems that most swingers clubs try to keep their groups private. At the top of the page for the group mentioned above there is a line that says “sssshhhhhhhh!” Isn’t it ironic that these groups are private when some of our most public figures are irate philanthropists? My grandmother always said, “If you can’t say something nice about someone, don’t say anything at all,” so I won’t name names, but a bunch of politicians, actors, preachers, and athletes actively “swinging” as a hobby. Anyone who has turned on the television or read a single news post in the last month could have learned something about a certain golf champion. Why should everyone else keep this hobby private? I have always loved the truth of this Christian Bible scripture, “For there is nothing hidden that will not become evident, nor secret that will not be known and will come to light” (Luke 8:17). I wonder if Bernie Madoff ever read that. Surely there is an equivalent to the Torah. Regardless of our religion, we take credit for our ability to conceal prohibited behaviors in some way knowing that these acts will eventually be discovered. Maybe that’s part of the appeal! It must feel good to get caught in the act and then receive forgiveness. Is it just another stab to find unconditional love under the banner of sex?
In his book Grant me a higher love, Cindi Sansone-Braff delves into the depths of conditional versus unconditional love in romantic relationships. It also looks at many marriage and relationship traps we all fall into; one of my favorites is what she calls the Everybody wants Raymond marriage, in which the partners relate to each other as Raymond and Debra Barone. I can think of many marriages that I have witnessed that seem to follow that pattern. Repetitive household routines can quickly lead to depression, and when you jump into the challenge of kids, well, you know the rest of the story. Grant me a higher love It is an excellent resource for relationships, but it certainly does not recommend rocking. I am not judging swingers. If it were socially and culturally acceptable, I can’t say for sure that I wouldn’t do it myself. Being human makes it difficult to claim something with certainty.
Do we really need to balance to stay alive in a marriage? Are we doomed to live like zombies if we follow the traditional pattern? I do not believe it. I believe that through delving into the best of ourselves and achieving the ability to love ourselves and our partner unconditionally, we can truly be Married but not dead, within the confines of our original vows. It is not the easy way. It’s not like following a cake recipe, but it’s less complicated than a very intricate web of extramarital sex, whether consensual or not (that is, cheating versus swinging!)
To close, I leave you with two fun “meeting themes” that are used as criteria for the selection of group participants: “Fashion parents” and “Discreet friendship”. I would love to be considered modern and when I really try, discretion is in my power, but … I’m not a married zombie!