When dealing with the death of a loved one, the most important factor in finding peace is how you communicate with yourself. Why? Because coping with the massive changes that the death of a loved one implies has little to do with what happens on the outside, but rather with our commitment to adapt to the new circumstances we face. That’s an inside job.
How we make sense of and relate to loss changes our perceptions and how we see our new world without the physical presence of the loved one.
In short, if we work on our inner life and realize that we have great power within, then it is possible to overcome any obstacle. This journey can be achieved by addressing seven key questions.
1. What do I want? Arguably, this is the number one question we all have to ask ourselves periodically throughout life for one simple reason: it helps us create goals and assess our values. Without clearly written goals, which we use as reminders, we are at the mercy of time, oblivion, and the influence of others.
As you think about your answers to this question, consider whether you are choosing to be defined by your loss or working to adjust to the circumstances of your new life. This is where the wisdom of your imagination and intuition can serve you well.
2. What are my limiting beliefs? There is no such thing as a problem-free life. However, limiting beliefs are often formed based on why this great loss had to happen to me. Therefore, the result is the formation of harmful beliefs such as “I have no future.” “I will always be alone”. “I’m getting what I deserve.” And the list can go on and on. Identify such beliefs, change them, and your behavior will change. What to replace them with follows.
3. What beliefs will help me cope with my loss? Here are three that others have used that strengthen the inner life.
(A) The road to coping well is always under construction. This means there is a lot of trial and error learning as we grapple with our loss and often we have to take new paths or try new ideas. There is no time limit on this process.
(B) I create my own reality through thoughts and actions. You can choose to create a positive or negative reality through what you consciously allow into your mental life and what you push out. In any case, you are always creating one or the other.
(C) You provide great power to whatever you focus your attention on. The part here is finding reminders and the right people to keep you focused on the mindset that brings peace and relief. Develop verbal, print, and visual reminders to help you shut down the negative when it starts to take over.
4. How can I help others? The answer to this question can put your inner life on a course that brings you great satisfaction, eases pain, and raises your self-esteem. And it will take the focus off of the self by aiding in the journey of reinvesting in life. The world is full of people who need your presence and affection, and that same presence and affection will return to your work of grievance by others.
5. How can I build lifelong connections? Connections heal. The degree to which we are connected to our interests, the people in our lives, and willing to be open to ongoing learning and mystery in the world is an index of how well we will adapt to major change. Since change is inevitable, so must our willingness to pursue challenges that are ongoing. The wider your connection range, the better your chance of weathering whatever storm life throws your way. Give this question a high priority in the strategies you develop.
6. How many times have I said “I love you”? I have often said that choosing to love without expecting anything in return is a major force for successful coping. That love begins with oneself and recognizes the mystery and inner power that makes you the only you on the planet. You are special. You have the ability to show care and concern just by your presence, without saying a single word.
Recognize that each person needs to know that they are loved. Expressing your love in words and deeds to yourself, the deceased and those who are close to you feeds your soul. Find the right time to write or say “I love you” to your loved one (you will always have a relationship with the deceased), to your Higher Power, and to those in your family and social circle.
7. What is my mission now? No one truly enjoys their life without the feeling that they are making a contribution. Take the time to examine options for creating or continuing a purpose or mission that you have previously adopted. If you don’t have one, consider who, where or what you will spend your time and energy honoring your loved one. How will you keep his memory alive? Or maybe carving out a new way to use your talents, add to them, or improve the health and spirit of yourself and others will provide you with new ideas for a quest.
These seven strategies require focused thought and a desire to grow through loss. Decide now the thoughts and behaviors that you will begin to develop to adapt to this great change in life.