Much of our behavior in adult life is based on the examples we were exposed to as children. Many of these examples were backed up with warnings, instructions, and information that was presented as “truth,” or as it really is. This information is etched into the walls of our minds.
In a more subtle way, we often learn about dying, death, and grief by observing more what others do and less what they say. Unfortunately, this happens because adults talk less about these issues and try not to show their true feelings with children. Therefore, children are educated about death through television, songs, adult silence, and movies in a second-class way.
How can we break the cycle? Learning to be positive adult role models for complaints. This is the way to start.
1. Examine the beliefs about death that have been passed on to you. Also ask yourself what you learned from his first experience with death. They taught you that crying is a sign of weakness, that death is always bad, that the less you talk about death the better, that you have to find closure and let the deceased go, that children should never go to a wake or funeral, Or that you should grieve only in private?
Work to change such beliefs to help you adjust to the many experiences of loss that are a part of every life. It may mean working to change the way you view a death experience you had as a child. Seek the opinion of knowledgeable professionals if some of your past experiences are still causing you a lot of anxiety.
2. Next, get information from your local hospice, church, library, or grievance support group, written by an authority, that recommends ways of looking at death and grief based on the latest research and suggested practices. Familiarize yourself with them so you can answer some of the basic questions kids often ask (like what is death?). Also, consider attending a public death or bereavement conference or checking complaint websites for an update.
3. At teachable time, talk to your children about death, the importance of expressing emotions, and the harm of suppressing them. Do this before there is a death in the family and all the excitement comes out. Emphasize that crying is not a male or female response, it is a normal human response. And then, most importantly, don’t feel bad about letting your kids see you cry, especially if he’s a guy. Emphasize that crying is coping.
4. Start talking about death, when the topic comes up naturally, in a tone and manner that treats the topic as part of life, not apart from life. It is an integral part of our existence and has much to teach about the quality of life that we should strive to live. It is often argued that quality of life is affected by awareness of death. Use the words death and dies, not euphemisms like lost, passed away, is sleeping, or expired.
5. Teach that even if everyone dies, love never dies. We will always remember and love the person who dies. We can always have a relationship with him based on memory, tradition and the celebration of a life lived. He/she will always be alive in our hearts.
6. Allow children to attend the funeral and visit the cemetery from the age of seven (from three, sometimes earlier, if the death is a parent). Always invite, never force participation. Again, if visits can be made before a death occurs, it can be very helpful. Always prepare the child for what she will see. Explain who will be there, where the deceased will be, and that the funeral is the place where you can say goodbye to the person who died. At the cemetery visit, explain the purpose of the headstones and burial, and what the cemetery will be like.
7. Always remember that death is another opportunity for family members to come together, help each other, express love and care, and teach children the value of community. Do your best, as difficult as it may be, not to exclude children from these important family events. Great trust can be built between parents and children. They can learn that everyone grieves differently and you will learn that children grieve sporadically and can’t stand our adult form of grievance.
In short, the more you can guide children and be sensitive to their need to be recognized as significant mourners, the more you will prepare them for healthy ways of looking at grief and death. They will always need a lot of guidance on things like what death is, how to deal with their secondary losses, what to do if they feel the presence of the deceased, and how the death of a loved one changes the environment and the survivors.
This means, of course, that we all need to be more knowledgeable about these topics and how to talk to children about them. Therefore, first solve your own death problems, learn what children need to know, and then wait for the opportunity to calmly introduce the topic. You will be helping children on an emotional level more than you can imagine.