It’s 2 am It’s dark outside. I look at my watch and suddenly realize that there are literally hundreds and thousands of people out there getting drunk on cheap drinks and generally having a much better time than me. I rub my eyes, sigh, shake my head, and move on. Not because I’m better than them. And not because I’m a closeted, sad loser either (although that’s debatable). You see, I don’t need the usual distractions: alcohol, fun, women, daylight, other people, normal human society – it all fades away. in the dark. I don’t care about these things. Because? Because I’ve stumbled across the ancient art of dwarf throwing!
Maybe it’s a sign of the times. Maybe I’ve finally gone crazy. I’ve been up all night looking at the flying dwarves. There’s a story behind this – you may have seen our recent article ‘The A-Team: Then and Now’. If you haven’t, you’d better drag your worthless ass over there. After putting that particular masterpiece online, I read it, and one sentence in particular jumped out at me: “Mr. T is the winner of the World’s Toughest Bouncer contest. One of the events in the competition was dwarf tossing (since It’s outlawed).” ?! It sounds amazing! I just had to find out more!
The lost sport that is Dwarf Tossing / Midget Throwing originated in Australia in the 1980s – a pub game for bored guys from white trash countries, bored with driving their tractors. According to one website (hosted by the ever-reliable BBC.co.uk no less):
“Anyone can play this pub sport, as the need for excessive consumption of alcoholic beverages in preparation is completely optional, but strongly recommended. Both men and women can play and even compete against each other. Unfortunately for men, women The women who generally participate tend to have masculine qualities, so the usual exchange of shirts at the end of each competition has been eliminated, due to the constant complaints from the women that the shirts they were given were always too small for them and that they did not want to wear the shirt of a ‘chauvinistic pig who had fun throwing at growth-restricted people anyway’.
Big muscles, strong legs and an arbitrary beer belly are the secret physical weapons of a true midget throwing athlete. However, to fully master the sport, the athlete must also possess the strength of an ox, the speed of a leopard, the timing of a wizard, the patience of a predator, and the appearance of a fairly large bull sitting on a wasp. . In order for ‘people pacified with their horizontal and perpendicular circumstances’ to participate in a throwing competition, they must always wear full protective clothing. Injuries are a serious career threat for a Throwing Dwarf who, if on tour, can earn a six-figure sum for allowing people to share his field of expertise.”
“Unlike golf, this is a true spectator sport worthy of any Olympic game, but thanks to the interventions of ‘people trading a humor deficiency’ no professional body has been created to globally organize and fund what can only describe itself as the only sport that promotes an unbiased view of society (although there is now a British Midget Bowlers Association)”.
Christopher Reeve shudders in his grave. Lois Lane cries silently.
Do these flying dwarfs make six figure salaries? Can this be true? Which makes me wonder: who in the name of Jesus H Jones pays these people? Is there a Flying Midgets syndicate? Can you imagine putting this on your resume? I wonder if these talented human projectiles get hazard pay?
Basically, the rules are as follows; you pick up your selected dwarf (who will probably be adorning some sort of helmet and safety vest), take a three-step dash, and launch the little bugger as far as you can. And there you have it, possibly the most non-PC sport ever invented. Whoever gets the furthest with his human missile is the winner. Although I shudder to think what kind of awards would be given. Sexual favors maybe… who knows?
The roots.
The first of these twisted little events to gain any real recognition was the World Midget Throwing Championships (I kid you not), which took place in 1986, further proof of how messy that decade was. That particular launch festival was won by the England team: Danny Blue, Roy Merrin and Lenny The Giant, the heroes of the moment.
Make and break records.
Take a look at the wonderful newspaper clipping to the right. I guarantee that it is genuine. The current world record for the longest pitch is held by a white trash wacko named Cuddles. Hurt. I bet he loves his mommy and all. The launch was an impressive 12 feet 9 inches. Cuddles belongs to a team of circus runaways who call themselves the Oddballs. The Oddballs are primarily famous for their rather risqué (and disturbingly homoerotic) ‘balloon dance’, which basically involves them jumping around naked with balloons covering their shrunken, pink manhoods.
It seems the local papers were all over the place about this event, eager to bring you the latest on this extreme spectator sport of the new millennium. Not much seems to happen in whatever sleepy rural slum this took place in (we’ll call it Sheepball-on-sea). Either that, or there was some crazy, disgusting midget sexual fetish going on at the time… .
Oh, and by the way (if you give a shit), according to some haggard, random site I already forgot about, the English are still world fields. Another black eye to national pride, I think. We might suck at the Olympics, or any other real sport, but damn, we can really let those midgets fly.
Understandably, when people found out about this sick, non-PC, offensive, but strangely fascinating sport, they rallied in droves to ban it. Wow, that must have been an incredible sight: hundreds of people marching to the houses of the law, demanding that the vertically disabled have the right to stay on the ground. I wish I had been there. Damn hindsight.
The year was 1989, and the world’s only support group for the vertically disabled, The Little People Of America, went to Florida and convinced lawmakers that this bizarre sport is, in fact, cruel and must be stopped. The measure banning midget tossing passed by a wide margin, and midget tossing was banned in both Florida and New York. However, in Texas, the home state of the LPA, you can still throw migdets to your heart’s content. Do you want to abuse a dwarf? Now you have to get in your car and drive… Later, Dave Flood, who appears on a morning radio show as “Dave the Dwarf”, took the matter to court and made the sport illegal in bars. Thanks Dave
In Ontario, Canada, the Midget Throwing Ban Act of 2003 was enacted, with penalties of a fine of not more than $5,000 or imprisonment for a period of not more than six months, or both. Maybe they have a special wing in the jails for dwarf throwers. Hmm…
Despite all these fancy legal actions, this strange sport is still going on today. During my research for this article/compulsive waste of time, I stumbled upon a random Satan-type website that had a section on dwarf casting. These photos (see below) were taken at a recent event, probably deep in the heart of Sheepball-on-sea. One thing I did notice, if you look closely at the photos, it’s the same dwarf thrown off by every one of those hickory hillbillies. The poor bastard! That is not right! He doesn’t even have a helmet or anything!
Remember friends, no matter how strange, different, or oddly fascinating this dark and wicked sport may seem, don’t try it. Johnny Law will be two steps behind you, ready to put your bitch ass in jail. You’ve heard about what they do to rapists in prison, right? Imagine what they would do to a Dwarf Thrower. In conclusion… it’s never good to be a jerk.
An article from: Part Time Ninja from [http://www.twistededge.co.uk]