Anne was shocked and angry last week when a colleague turned around and said, “So who wanted a divorce? Whose choice was it?” She was retracted, because neither of them wanted a divorce! No one marries “wanting” a divorce, he thought. She said she was shocked because even though she was the one who said “our marriage ended,” she had never initially seen divorce as an option. It wasn’t until, after many years of trying to make the relationship work, that she realized there was no hope for change and that they couldn’t go on living as they were. Her children were her main concern, but she agreed with her ex that they would wait until the school year was over before telling her. But she certainly didn’t “want a divorce” and this comment cut her like a knife. She wanted to blurt back at him: “Nobody wanted him, you idiot, and mind your own business” (or worse!) wanted no one at work. to know your business. It was Anne’s first coaching session with me and we decided it would be a good idea to come up with ways to avoid uncomfortable questions.
Anne is not the only one who receives inappropriate, personal or hurtful questions after separation and divorce. Fear of other people’s reaction to divorce can make some people so anxious that they don’t want to socialize or leave the house. Unfortunately, this can lead to further isolation, at a time when they most need the support of others. So today’s article is dedicated to providing examples of ways to answer and avoid awkward questions.
Celebrity response
This is really powerful when you first go public with your divorce and is also helpful in answering awkward questions. In the example above “Who wanted a divorce”. The celebrity’s response would go something like this: “It is a mutually supportive decision that we have made together after a long and careful process of consideration.” If you and your ex can come to a mutually agreeable statement, then you can help avoid gossip. I also recommend statements like this because it helps friends, family, and children feel like they don’t have to take sides.
Humorous answer
Humor can be used to avoid answering a question by making a lighthearted joke or a self-deprecating joke. Humor can also be used to brush off the disturbing and difficult elements of a question. For example, in response to “What happened?” You could laugh and say, “If only we knew” or “I have no idea.” Another example Gary used when asked “Where will you live?” It was “In a house with a roof and water, I hope.” If you want to use a humorous response, you have to be confident and that is not always easy, especially during the divorce process.
Reflect the answer
Reflecting is where you return the question to the person, find out why they are asking. It puts them in the spotlight, especially if you think your questions are inappropriate. An example of this would be when you look into their eyes, smile, and ask them a question. For examples in response to “Why are you getting divorced?” You could ask again, “Why do you want to know?” or “I wonder why this question is important to you.” or “Will it make a difference if I knew?” The nice thing about responding with a question is that the conversation can easily take another direction away from the original question.
Final subject’s response
If you have children, you may hear from people who want to know about their children and the effect it has had on them. They told Hasan “At least your children are adults.” Dave’s boss said otherwise “At least your son is only 2 years old and he probably doesn’t understand everything.” In reality, the age of your children makes little difference. The problems they will face initially are simply different and it is still difficult for everyone affected. In this case, you may want to acknowledge your comments or concerns about yourself and the children, but end the topic as: “Thanks for asking, everyone was doing the best we can, thank you” or “Children are naturally upset, but they are they were fixing them fine. “
Lock response
I make sure everyone I work with has 1 or 2 blocking responses that they can use and we rehearse them. The worst thing you want to do at a social gathering or business event is get mad, pissed off, or spill too much and regret it later. A blocking response is when you as politely as possible, while maintaining eye contact and smiling (or at least not looking angry), state that you will not answer that question. Use it whenever you feel the question is over-appropriate or too intimate. A blocking answer is an answer that you can use for any question that does not have an answer or that you do not want to answer. For example, if someone says, “Whose decision was it?” You may respond with, “It’s not that black and white. We have decided we can’t stay married.” Or if someone asks, “So are you moving?” or “Who will have the children?” you might reply, “We haven’t decided yet.” Other examples might be “I appreciate your curiosity, but I’m not comfortable answering that” or “I’m sorry but I don’t feel good sharing that information” or “I’m not in the habit of answering questions that are so incredibly personal at work. / social events “. Or “We agreed not to say anything to other people.”
Divorce Coach Precautions – Beware of
Nosy Family Members – You and your spouse are getting divorced. Therefore, it is your right to maintain the privacy of private information. Sometimes, because it is a family, we feel like we need to go into detail, but only share what you feel comfortable with. Hasan did not want his parents to know the details of why their marriage ended in divorce. He was still dealing with shame, anger and disappointment and said very little to his family. A week later, he learned that his aunt had started calling his wife Abeer to find out more and ask her tough questions. Hasan was furious when he found out, but very grateful that he and Abeer had agreed not to share details. Abeer respected and honored their agreement and, fortunately, their divorce remained amicable. When a divorce is made public, it is important to agree on who to tell which person.
Co-workers: avoid sharing too many details with them. The last thing you want is to have your divorce discussed in the office. One of the most important things to do when going through separation and divorce is to create a good divorce support team. A good divorce support team may include a few close friends or family, a coach, an accountant, and a lawyer.
Gossipers: If someone breaks into a conversation and says they heard something about the end of your marriage, avoid adding fuel to your fire to spread gossip. For example, if someone responds with something like. “Oh yeah, I heard she was obsessed with work and didn’t do much at home.” Or “I heard he had a drinking problem and was out all the time.” Don’t take the bait and start badmouthing your ex or calling your ex, accusing him of saying such hurtful things. You want to know the facts and do not assume that it is definitely your spouse who has been talking about you or your marriage, it could be idle gossip. I’ve seen good co-parenting relationships get destroyed when they think one of the parties has been spreading rumors or lying to the kids, when they haven’t. Accusations and arguments between you cause more damage and are more difficult to repair. When you hear comments like this, it is best not to react, as gossipers want a reaction, that’s what they are waiting for, so use your blocking response.
Remember that it is often about them, not you
Difficult questions often reflect more about the person asking them than about you; They may be having trouble with their own marriage and may be trying to assess whether yours has ended or is at risk. They may be trying to make sense of it, especially if you strike them as the “perfect match.” The questions may also reflect your discomfort with the divorce, I understand that sometimes as a divorce coach myself. Every now and then people feel uncomfortable at the mention of the word divorce for their own personal reasons, so don’t take it personally (easier said than done, I know!). Finally, they may be trying to figure out how they should respond to the news, if they should congratulate you or sympathize with you. So they are just trying to react the way they think you want to. The best thing to try is not to be overly sensitive and if you are upset talk to someone.
In summary, I recommend that you create some answers and practice saying them with a close friend / family member or a coach. They can also help you think of questions that people might ask, so that you feel totally comfortable in all situations. The more you prepare and rehearse what you are going to say, the less likely it is that you will be caught off guard and say something you will regret later. You definitely want to prepare a great list of questions that children can ask when you tell them about divorce.
Remember, with whom you share what is your decision. Defend this right!